In my last post I told you I walk a lot to help me cope with my grief. For the past two weeks my brain has been fried. I couldn’t concentrate. Normal things that I used to do before, like reading my paper with my morning coffee, I couldn’t do. I would read a sentence or so, or just read the headlines. That was a good day.
I would pass time walking, watching tv, eating a bit. For the amount of exercise I have been doing I haven’t been eating enough and have lost seven pounds without too much effort. But this past week I have started to come out of the deep dark well of emotion for a bit. I can read my newspaper… but a little bit at a time. I skip most of it. I don’t cry as much during the day.
But night falls and eventually I have to go to bed. I dread it because it’s the worse time of the day. I pray. Not because I’m religious or anything. But I feel it’s a way to speak to my embryo, and all of my embryos that I have lost in the past. I know you might think I’m crazy but it helps me cope. I tell them how much I love them and that I’m sorry I let them down. That I couldn’t find a way to help them safely come to me. A mother protects and keeps her children safe. I failed. I ask for forgiveness. Even if I don’t believe in God right now, I hope there is a Heaven where I will be able to hug, kiss and love all my unborn children.
AmyH's Life 